Im really depressed. Idont know why. Mabey because its freezing out, or the shop is slow and boring, or I worry about my mom, or I feel like barfging, or mabey because this mall suckes and has us close till 10 f-ing pm, and opening at 9 f-ing am. Or because people are rude, or becaus I have to get shoping done for christmas and i have nooo time becaus of work, or because there will be no break for us we work the day before christmas and the day after so I only get christmas off. AND I have to open a 8 in the fucking morning the day after christmas. So much for holiday spirt. I dont even have a christmas tree up! I have no time I get home and sleep and wake up early and work. It doest stop. I want to finish school but I cant go figure that out. We have no money and we owe. Or because the stupid mall keeps playing the same christmas song over and over and over alllll day. or becaus all I can smell is burnt popcorn. OR because the only people i am gettig in the store are RUDE old people who love to point out that the hate skatebording. I dont care if you dont like skateboarding dont tell me!!! Dont come in a SKATE shop and say the crap, or talk about how skating is stupid and whatever. It doesnt make you look cool. blah ... I know im complaining but this is the only place I can say what I really really mean. And I could say ALOT more but im lazy. The store next to us ARE IDIOTS. they keep screaming. why who knows mabey they are incredibaly bored too. but come on its annoying. I dont know im just sad nothing is there to look forward to. I need some insperation. AND mabey i need to pray. Keep faith and ask for paitence and contentment. I should just at least try to be happy but it is hard right now. im hungry but i think its only because im stressed. Truthfully I cant stop thinking about my mom. I know she is acting stupid and ive suvived with out her my whole life but she is still my mom and she is the only one ive had. even if i really didnt have her. I wish i would know what it is like to have a mom. I wonder if I would have tuned out to be a better person. I grew up jeouls of people and its stupid but everyones moms were nice. and everyone had a conection with there moms. I had nothing like that. I grew up thinking and being told I will be stong going through this. Why dont I feel strong all the time then. I dont I feel like bawling. I could never do anything wrong to my kids they are my life. How could she not love me like that? what the fuck is the difference in me and other girls? I would die for my kids. She doesnt even know when my birthday is and she had me. And I still worry about her everyday and she probably doest think about me at all. I dont know where the fuck she is. Who knows. she could be really sick or dead. or in alot of trouble and I have nooo Idea. not because I dont want too but because the wont call me or think about me. I cant get ahold of her and its killing me. I have such weired emotions about her I cant even understand. I wish Eric was alive still he could at least kinda keep her around so I knew she was alive at least. I miss him even if we never really talked. Why do bad things have to constantly happen. I hate the fact that really soon I know im going to get a call that is telling me she is dead. I have gone through that too much. I wish she was normal or atleast here. I wish I could have a family. I want my kids to have her too. I wish she would just call me at least. Im going on again i know. Problams thats just what people go through i shouldnt complain. lots of people go through worse things. but that did feel better to get that all out. It was all in my head and I coulnt understand it but I can a little more now. I guess that is good. I wish i was at disneyland right now riding on Peter Pans Flight. :) hehe.