ugh

Still 177. I got lazy last couple of days. I was to 174 but I went back up. So blah. yeah yeah im still trying. Im soooo tired so tired. I could fall asleep right now while typing. good bye.

Todeedollydaydolley

I weighed myself at 177! last night! well Im happy and I dont know. Ill weigh myself tonight and see if its changed. If its right Ive only got 2 pounds to get to 175 my little goal. ima gona work my butt off to get there. yeah , thats right i will. yep, uh huh, yep. sure will. I drank coffee this morning and loved it no sugar or cream nothing but coffee and sweet and low. yum and it brightend my mood yep and I want more. my stomche kinda hurts but it ok. It helps me be nice to poeple that come in the shop though. yep i want more. and i want to be skinny. duh. And i slept really good last night that helps. Hey and Dans becoming a United States Citizen friday. yay finally. good for him. my husband is legall! hehe.

Good news - Bad news

GOOD---Well I think that i might be going to DL on Jan. 26th!!! Oh I really hope so. And we are driving there so.. Im not going to die in a plane crash!!! On the 23-25th we will be in San Diego for the trade show. then we will drive to DL and drive home the next day.YAY

Bad---- Well the bad new is we are going to the trade show. Which is always fun. but not so good for a fat girls self esteem. That means i better step up the losing weight crap. There are always skinny partly dressed ho bags walking around and well it just doesnt make me feel the prettiest. Especaily if im going to go out. When people go out there they dress up and look all nice and stuff like that. I know that its only 7 weeks away but I HAVE to try my best. Well not try but do. SO IT STARTS NOW. (well it started this morning.)

I thinks the good out weighs the bad at this moment. (untill i weight myself tonite.) Im just so happy im not flying. Yeah im not going 35000 feet in the stupid air. Kiss that Frontier Airlines!

I wish

There are so many things I wish for. And its stupid. I find myself day dreaming alot about happy things. I think that is why I like Disneyland so much. Its so happy and away from here. With my family but a happy family. I love vacations. I only dont like flying I hate feeling like Im going to DIE for like 3 hours straite. I cant wait to go again! Thinking about it makes me smile and happy. Blah Blah whatever Im such a Dork. Ineed to be skinny already. I wish (there I go again) that it could happen in like a week.

Im really depressed. Idont know why. Mabey because its freezing out, or the shop is slow and boring, or I worry about my mom, or I feel like barfging, or mabey because this mall suckes and has us close till 10 f-ing pm, and opening at 9 f-ing am. Or because people are rude, or becaus I have to get shoping done for christmas and i have nooo time becaus of work, or because there will be no break for us we work the day before christmas and the day after so I only get christmas off. AND I have to open a 8 in the fucking morning the day after christmas. So much for holiday spirt. I dont even have a christmas tree up! I have no time I get home and sleep and wake up early and work. It doest stop. I want to finish school but I cant go figure that out. We have no money and we owe. Or because the stupid mall keeps playing the same christmas song over and over and over alllll day. or becaus all I can smell is burnt popcorn. OR because the only people i am gettig in the store are RUDE old people who love to point out that the hate skatebording. I dont care if you dont like skateboarding dont tell me!!! Dont come in a SKATE shop and say the crap, or talk about how skating is stupid and whatever. It doesnt make you look cool. blah ... I know im complaining but this is the only place I can say what I really really mean. And I could say ALOT more but im lazy. The store next to us ARE IDIOTS. they keep screaming. why who knows mabey they are incredibaly bored too. but come on its annoying. I dont know im just sad nothing is there to look forward to. I need some insperation. AND mabey i need to pray. Keep faith and ask for paitence and contentment. I should just at least try to be happy but it is hard right now. im hungry but i think its only because im stressed. Truthfully I cant stop thinking about my mom. I know she is acting stupid and ive suvived with out her my whole life but she is still my mom and she is the only one ive had. even if i really didnt have her. I wish i would know what it is like to have a mom. I wonder if I would have tuned out to be a better person. I grew up jeouls of people and its stupid but everyones moms were nice. and everyone had a conection with there moms. I had nothing like that. I grew up thinking and being told I will be stong going through this. Why dont I feel strong all the time then. I dont I feel like bawling. I could never do anything wrong to my kids they are my life. How could she not love me like that? what the fuck is the difference in me and other girls? I would die for my kids. She doesnt even know when my birthday is and she had me. And I still worry about her everyday and she probably doest think about me at all. I dont know where the fuck she is. Who knows. she could be really sick or dead. or in alot of trouble and I have nooo Idea. not because I dont want too but because the wont call me or think about me. I cant get ahold of her and its killing me. I have such weired emotions about her I cant even understand. I wish Eric was alive still he could at least kinda keep her around so I knew she was alive at least. I miss him even if we never really talked. Why do bad things have to constantly happen. I hate the fact that really soon I know im going to get a call that is telling me she is dead. I have gone through that too much. I wish she was normal or atleast here. I wish I could have a family. I want my kids to have her too. I wish she would just call me at least. Im going on again i know. Problams thats just what people go through i shouldnt complain. lots of people go through worse things. but that did feel better to get that all out. It was all in my head and I coulnt understand it but I can a little more now. I guess that is good. I wish i was at disneyland right now riding on Peter Pans Flight. :) hehe.

I hate getting stuck

This sucks time has gone so fast and ive lost nothing!!!! Why? I keep going from 179 to 177 to 180 to 182 to 179. This is stupid. This is no thanks to Thanksgiving I suppose. I just want to lose it already. I dont know i guess starting right now this instant it gets all cut down. I cant believe i havent posted in a freakin month. i suck. I dont know ive been feelin rewally crappy last couple of days mabey cause my stupid monthly. Ive had my 2 kids already why must i still get that thing? Im not planning anymore. Well I havent really gotten it yet jsut feels like it. I better get it. Im serious. I keep seeing pregnant people everywhere. And Im dreaming about it, and i have been nausios all the time. arrrrrrrrrr. now im nervous. Taj turned 6!! hes so big now. Thanksgiving was ok. But not worth it. I throw up all the next day. eww. What ever. sometimes I think my husband is stupid sometimes.... and annoying. blah blah blah

Hit new small goal

Well I finally hit 180! whopee. Well I guess its time for a new small goal 175! wont that be great. Ill be happy when i see the scale at 179. I really am going to work hard at this. The last 5 pounds have been slow. But I really want to be out of the 180's. I really credit the weight I have lost to being vegan. I LOVE VEGGIES! meats no treat for those you eat!

oh and Halloween is just around the corner!!!

Stuck

Im stuck I guess. 181 my goal is 180 come on! Im just not working out like I should. I don't have any energy. I need to get it together. Halloween is coming so I am getting excited. My daughter is Princess Laya and My son is spiderman. I want some candy corn so bad but it has stupid gelatin in it. arrrrrr Somebody please make a special vegan candy corn please. yeah right. I need a day off. work sucks. O well at least I get to go out with my husband saturday!!!Im so excited. Last time my husbands friend tagged along and ruined the night. All he wants to do is get drunk. wo whoo blah blah blah


Shadows of a thousand years rise again unseen, Voices whisper is the trees- Tonight's Halloween

Boring

Well im bored Today nothing is going on. It my dads b-day thats about all. I did get down to 181 though! I feel good about that, but the boringness is taking my excitment over. I will be pretty happy when I get to 180 or even 179. then I would be in a whole different number. Well i think ive lost some of my excitment to lose because i was trying to lose weight before this wedding but the wedding is over and now I need to get excited for something else. Mabey halloween. I would love to wear a really cool costume. I havent' since I was young. At least im not really hungry like I was all day yesterday. Man i just wanted to eat all day. O Well a boring day is better than a bad day! I should just take it easy and relax....... (even though im at work)hehe

Back to work

Well yesterday was a great day I got to spend the whole day with my family. If was really relaxing. First we took our son to school. he had a field trip. then me and my husband walked arould downtown and got coffee and tea. Then we picked up our son at 12. He walked out and the whole class was dressed up as ladybugs it was soooo cute. but as soon as he got in the car he took it off and throw it on the ground! The we headed to Kansas City. we were just planning on hanging around all day. First we went to our favorite restraunt. Gehngis Konh mongolian BBQ. We got veggie bbq and it was delicious. Then we went to the Art museum. it was so fun. I love going there. as soon as we got back to the car both our kids fell asleep. so we drove around a little. went to a store. Then we went to a skate park and stayed there wtching our son skate for ever. Then we went to get some food adn went home. It was fun. Other than that Im still at 183. I think all the walking we did yesterday helped with the food we ate. I dont know I guess thats all. SEE YA!

Starting A Good Day!

Today has started really good! First I sent my son to school with my husband. Then I came inside and was stressed because I thought I would have to spend all morning searching for my lost wallet. But nope I found it right away. ( I put it in my hamper beside my drier when I was cleaning house so I wouldn't loose it. didnt work) Then I was excited because I had a bunch of time left. So I got it the shower. But before I did I decided to weigh myself again. AND I weigh 183! I never ever was expecting that, I was expecting 186. I kept steping on and off to make sure it was right! It was great being home alone and showering. usually if my children are there the door gets opened and my 1 year old daughter throws her toys in with me. Then I got all ready and headed to the bank to make a deposit. I counted my money wrong and there was 20 more dollars then I expected. This is great. I hope it keeps up all day. Other than that I make my 185 goal. So my new litle goal is 180!!!

I'm kinda Happy!

This morning in the bath I decided to weigh myself. I din't want to weigh myself untill next wens. but I did anyway. I thought I would be really depressed afterwards but nope. I lost 3 pounds! I dont know how. I think it is because I decided to not eat when I get home from work. I get home from work around ten! so I never should have been eating that late but were are tight on money so I didn't want to go out and buy food at work. Iusually get home and cook my husband and I food then watch TV. yeah sounds lazy. Well that means I have 1 more pound untill my short goal.
Well other than that I read a book the other day called Skinny Bitch. yep. First there were like no good reviews for this book but I got it anyway. I liked it. Fisrt I should tell you that I am vegitarian. I was vegan for a really long time then I decided to eat cheese and stuff. that is when I started to get Fat. This book is basically promoting Vegan. and it is the truth. (I believe) Being vegan does make you alot healthier and skinnier. That is if you dont eat just junk food. So that is why I decided that other day to be Vegan again. I already feel good. mabey that also contributed to the loss of 3 pounds? Anyways this book tells it to you straite. It also has a menus for a whole month. and it is easy too. I don't know if I will follow it but at least I am trying to only put good things in my body. the book also talked about fasting. It got me kinda interested. I have been told before that fasting would do some good and clean my bod out.
There is different kinds like juice fast, raw fast(just raw fruits and veggies), and a water fast. I want to try one. If I am going to fast I would eighter do a juice or water. I have fasted for three days before and It did really make me feel better but i broke and ate crappy again. This time Im not. hopefully that is. Its just so hard when you have to cook for your husband and kids you know. I will try then tell you want happens along the way. only for a couple of days though.
And I cleaned the crap out of my house yesterday. I got a day off. so I cleaned all my clothes even. Sunday I want to get all my clothes 'I havent worn since I was skinnier and get them out of my house. I want to take them to salvation army. along with all my husbands old clothes.

So some goals i want to set are-- no sugar (its so hard it addicts you)
-- lots of water
-- no eating late
-- geting exercise (yuck)
-- and an easy one Im VEGAN no dairy for losing weight and
for animals sake.

I cant wait till i get to 185. I will smile all day. Then set another goal:)

My first post!

Well I'll start by telling you all about me. I'm 22. Been married for six years. I married when I was 16. Now I have two kids Taj is 5 and Olivia is 1! I love them to death. My husband and I own a business with two locations. So that means I work at one and he works at the other everyday.(almost) We work all day long we leave the house at 8:00 a.m and get home at 10:00 p.m. Luckly we get to keep our kids with us all day. Owning a business is hard. Sometimes I wish I was doing something eles. I would love to be a teacher. Life is a little stressfull nowdays. I am soo busy and I dont have time to really take care of myself. So that means my body is awfull right now. It adds to the stress alot. I think about my weight pretty much every hour i am awake. So I NEED to change. I want to feel happy about myself. I want to wear a skirt!
I have gained a lot of weight. My losest weight was 114 (i am very short). I felt great. I remember not even feeling bad about myself. I also remember my husband complimenting me! If you knew my husband you would be shocked. I had my daughter a year ago and I weighed 169 when I got out of the hospital. I thought with breastfeeding and all that I would be at 130 by now. But nope now I weigh even more. 189. CRAP.
So hopefully I will meet some of you. I hope it will help me talking to other people who are wanting to change too. All my freinds are skinny so its kinda embaressing to talk to them about it.
* I am 5'2 and weigh 189.
* I would love to get to 130. all these websites say healthy weight would be 117-122 for my
height.
* My first goal will be small how about 185.
I dont have the laptop everyday so I will try to weigh in every wens or thurs.