Back

Im back to work. I finally got fast internet service. My trip was fun except the fact that some fuck heads broke into my house and stole pretty much everything. I F*ing HATE peole. Piece of Shit people that has to break into someone house just to get more meth money. Stupid fucking crack heads. I need to be cheered up. I had such a good time at disneyland. but why did it have to get ruined? AHHHRRRR. o well. this kind of shit happens i guess. I just dont want to be mad i just cant help it. I just need to think positive. Like about kitties and puppies and shit. just kidding. Ill just go listen to gogol and feel better. I just dont want to eat when i feel bad. But you know I actually eat more when I feel happy. weird huh. I guess other than that all I have to say is dont break into people's houses It really isn't nice.

I suck

Yep o well, Im pretty bored and its getting hard to stay motivated. But that is what I do get excited then suck. And Im Hungry but im not going to close the shop just to go eat. Stupid and there is nothing to eat up there anyways. So just dont bother. Ill just sit here and ramble on so it takes my mind away. Because if I dont ruin it and eat crap I will feel good about my self and that is definatly what I need. I think when I feel crappy i start to think I look crappy. But when i feel good I think i look ok. My head is a big part of me lossing weight. I need to feel good to do good. and right now i just dont'. Ive been looking up inspiration and reading sucess stories and nothing is working. Mabey its cause im working all the time and it sucks. I need to think happy things and I will feel better. So.... hmm.... happy.....well..... I cleaned up my living room! took down the tree and everything! I even did the dishs! whats eles... oh Taj and olivia's toys are in thier rooms. Everything will be fine. Dont worry so much about things. Im only 22. But fuck my head itchs. I hate dry skin. happy happy happy..... la la la la lalalala you know iether i have a really bad metabolism or all these other girls dont eat. hmm. There are so many skinny girls wandering around the mall today. It sucks. I am going home and taking a bath! and relaxing. even though i need to wash the skeets and blankies. Thats not hard though. Good BYE...for now

ugh

Still 177. I got lazy last couple of days. I was to 174 but I went back up. So blah. yeah yeah im still trying. Im soooo tired so tired. I could fall asleep right now while typing. good bye.

Todeedollydaydolley

I weighed myself at 177! last night! well Im happy and I dont know. Ill weigh myself tonight and see if its changed. If its right Ive only got 2 pounds to get to 175 my little goal. ima gona work my butt off to get there. yeah , thats right i will. yep, uh huh, yep. sure will. I drank coffee this morning and loved it no sugar or cream nothing but coffee and sweet and low. yum and it brightend my mood yep and I want more. my stomche kinda hurts but it ok. It helps me be nice to poeple that come in the shop though. yep i want more. and i want to be skinny. duh. And i slept really good last night that helps. Hey and Dans becoming a United States Citizen friday. yay finally. good for him. my husband is legall! hehe.

Good news - Bad news

GOOD---Well I think that i might be going to DL on Jan. 26th!!! Oh I really hope so. And we are driving there so.. Im not going to die in a plane crash!!! On the 23-25th we will be in San Diego for the trade show. then we will drive to DL and drive home the next day.YAY

Bad---- Well the bad new is we are going to the trade show. Which is always fun. but not so good for a fat girls self esteem. That means i better step up the losing weight crap. There are always skinny partly dressed ho bags walking around and well it just doesnt make me feel the prettiest. Especaily if im going to go out. When people go out there they dress up and look all nice and stuff like that. I know that its only 7 weeks away but I HAVE to try my best. Well not try but do. SO IT STARTS NOW. (well it started this morning.)

I thinks the good out weighs the bad at this moment. (untill i weight myself tonite.) Im just so happy im not flying. Yeah im not going 35000 feet in the stupid air. Kiss that Frontier Airlines!

I wish

There are so many things I wish for. And its stupid. I find myself day dreaming alot about happy things. I think that is why I like Disneyland so much. Its so happy and away from here. With my family but a happy family. I love vacations. I only dont like flying I hate feeling like Im going to DIE for like 3 hours straite. I cant wait to go again! Thinking about it makes me smile and happy. Blah Blah whatever Im such a Dork. Ineed to be skinny already. I wish (there I go again) that it could happen in like a week.

Im really depressed. Idont know why. Mabey because its freezing out, or the shop is slow and boring, or I worry about my mom, or I feel like barfging, or mabey because this mall suckes and has us close till 10 f-ing pm, and opening at 9 f-ing am. Or because people are rude, or becaus I have to get shoping done for christmas and i have nooo time becaus of work, or because there will be no break for us we work the day before christmas and the day after so I only get christmas off. AND I have to open a 8 in the fucking morning the day after christmas. So much for holiday spirt. I dont even have a christmas tree up! I have no time I get home and sleep and wake up early and work. It doest stop. I want to finish school but I cant go figure that out. We have no money and we owe. Or because the stupid mall keeps playing the same christmas song over and over and over alllll day. or becaus all I can smell is burnt popcorn. OR because the only people i am gettig in the store are RUDE old people who love to point out that the hate skatebording. I dont care if you dont like skateboarding dont tell me!!! Dont come in a SKATE shop and say the crap, or talk about how skating is stupid and whatever. It doesnt make you look cool. blah ... I know im complaining but this is the only place I can say what I really really mean. And I could say ALOT more but im lazy. The store next to us ARE IDIOTS. they keep screaming. why who knows mabey they are incredibaly bored too. but come on its annoying. I dont know im just sad nothing is there to look forward to. I need some insperation. AND mabey i need to pray. Keep faith and ask for paitence and contentment. I should just at least try to be happy but it is hard right now. im hungry but i think its only because im stressed. Truthfully I cant stop thinking about my mom. I know she is acting stupid and ive suvived with out her my whole life but she is still my mom and she is the only one ive had. even if i really didnt have her. I wish i would know what it is like to have a mom. I wonder if I would have tuned out to be a better person. I grew up jeouls of people and its stupid but everyones moms were nice. and everyone had a conection with there moms. I had nothing like that. I grew up thinking and being told I will be stong going through this. Why dont I feel strong all the time then. I dont I feel like bawling. I could never do anything wrong to my kids they are my life. How could she not love me like that? what the fuck is the difference in me and other girls? I would die for my kids. She doesnt even know when my birthday is and she had me. And I still worry about her everyday and she probably doest think about me at all. I dont know where the fuck she is. Who knows. she could be really sick or dead. or in alot of trouble and I have nooo Idea. not because I dont want too but because the wont call me or think about me. I cant get ahold of her and its killing me. I have such weired emotions about her I cant even understand. I wish Eric was alive still he could at least kinda keep her around so I knew she was alive at least. I miss him even if we never really talked. Why do bad things have to constantly happen. I hate the fact that really soon I know im going to get a call that is telling me she is dead. I have gone through that too much. I wish she was normal or atleast here. I wish I could have a family. I want my kids to have her too. I wish she would just call me at least. Im going on again i know. Problams thats just what people go through i shouldnt complain. lots of people go through worse things. but that did feel better to get that all out. It was all in my head and I coulnt understand it but I can a little more now. I guess that is good. I wish i was at disneyland right now riding on Peter Pans Flight. :) hehe.